Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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