come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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