There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My breath smells like gin and sadness
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
