and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
