I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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