What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
