the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
