What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
