mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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