is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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