I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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