Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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