I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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