I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize