Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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