that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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