we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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