I wish I could punch you in the face.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
