you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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