I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
