His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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