He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
