If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
