I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
