dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
