i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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