I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
