i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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