you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
