I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
