I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
