is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just invented taco cereal.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
