When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
