I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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