i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
