How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
