Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize