I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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