i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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