I could make wine with my vomit
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
