I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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