If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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