I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize