billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
