so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
