Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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