Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
