last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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