just tell him i said nine months
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
