I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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