I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
