If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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