Best friends brother. Beat that.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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