capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
