i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
