I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
