Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
