just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize