mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
