I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
