Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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