he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
