Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
