If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
